Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize