I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I love you. Go after that dick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
