i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
