just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
