I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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