Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize