Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize