Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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