i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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