$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
