Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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