the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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