how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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