this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
