I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
