I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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