Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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