just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
