you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
