You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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