My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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