i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
