I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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