i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
