Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
