the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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