I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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