the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Randomize
