Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
