There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
