A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
