I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
