I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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