end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
