I have demons in me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
