my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
