I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
