One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
