Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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