I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
