Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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