So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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