You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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