He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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