so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
