He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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