Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
