Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
