Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
