just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
pray to the hookup gods
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
