Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
