And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
