Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
