I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She told me I should be a condom model.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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