Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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