I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
