I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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