I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
