I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
