can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
